Well Looky At What I Found.
In searching for an outlet for some of my scattered thoughts I stumbled upon my old blog. One, of the many, that has not been touched in years; especially this one, might I add, considering it was mostly used for school. But here I am stretching my fingers and noticing that it is a lonesome page that deserves a bit more attention. Since I have plenty of time in my life right now being that I am not currently employed in the field that i frivolously worked for the past four years to get to. Instead, I have become a professional bed potato (note: not the typical couch potato since my father has perfected that art) and a professional sales person happened to come along the way in my perfecting my first skill. Jealous?
When you have fallen short in getting to where you want to be, or at least hope that this is just the purgatory that all people must go through before they meet their bliss in the profession that they strive for, and you are left with not much to do with your spare time your mind tends to wander. I have chosen the roads less psychotic, as again my father has chosen, and decided to find a much healthier way of expressing myself rather than screaming at the television all day long. Hello Blogger. You will hopefully be my savior by providing my fingers and mind a short tango each day? Ya know, as long as I am not too intoxicated, I would prefer not to have my mind and my fingers stumble and fall on the dance floor in a public forum thank you very much.
My fairly new Acer laptop is not providing my fingers' assistants much comfort by cutting into my wrists, my poor, weak, slender wrists. Mean ol' thing. Let me pick myself up and continue.
Being that I have had a rather uneventful evening after work, I decided to watch The Ugly Truth for the first time. It was much less entertaining as I had initially thought it was going to be yet I did not come out disappointed. Instead, as most movies intend to do to it's innocent viewers, it made me think of my own life and the decisions I have made, so to speak. Here is this film about a slovenly man who thinks he knows the ins and out of men, women and relationships; and a women who is unable to get the stick out her ass for two seconds to embrace life; so this man decides to help this straightedge women get the man of her dreams. I'm sure just by hearing that all of those who have not seen the movie already know what the end brings... But it made me think of what I possibly missed in my life. All these romantic movies make my mind wander to a life I never really had. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I do not regret the decisions I have made because at the end of the day I always know that they were the best ones I could make to keep myself sane and happy. But I can't help but wonder what if... I know everyone else does and if anyone had the audacity to dispute that then I will know that they are full of shit.
I'm sure every person has had a vision of what their life would be like when they got older. I remember what I thought. Do you? I dreamt that I would be an independent woman who feel in and out of love but not in a devastatingly depressing way, but in a more healthy, vivacious way. Just a curious woman who knew what she wanted and fell in love with men who were worthy of it but left when her heart was beaten a bit more than it deserved to be. In the midst of this on again off again love life I would get through college, preferably an away college, and get a great education and pursue my dream of becoming successful. And after I was given the black cap and gown and tossed that great cap in the air praying to God it doesn't come back down and crack me in the head, I would soon after find a great job and for the rest of my life climb the ladder to success.
Sounds nice doesn't it?
My oh my was I wrong.
I am 22 years old. I just graduated from Queens College in December. They just opened their first dorm rooms in August 2009, what does that tell you? I received an English degree with a Journalism minor in only 4 1/2 years. I have yet to throw my hat in the air because Queens College only holds the commencement ceremony once a year. I am a professional bed potato and shoes salesman. I used to write for the Queens Courier newspaper. Used to. I am currently on the hunt for any full-time job that pays well and gives great benefits, at this point I am willing to take anything... even if it doesn't fulfill my dream of being an editor.
Life will push you to the floor and shit down the throat of your younger self's dreams. But trust me, it's not worth taking it's punches. Get the fuck back up and fight back. I am trying my best. I am holding my head up as high as I can and biting my lip as I look through countless job offers with no responses. A four year education for what? This? It's so unfair but I deal. Clearly I don't deal well all the time, I never said I did but I am certainly doing my very best.
I warned you that I was a bit of a scatter brain- or at least when it comes to things like this. I run through my thoughts very quickly, there are a lot of them. But when I have to, like for a newspaper, I am clear and concise and I make sure my words just flowwwwww. Know what I'm saying? But this, this is for me, this is for my hands. Building the muscles which are the foundation of my every thought. Without these, how will I express myself the way I love to the most? Yeah, there is my mouth but it has too many foul words that it expels and no one wants to hear that. You can't hear the voice of my hands, instead you can imagine it. By reading you hear the soothing tone of my voice or the hoarse tar that spews out of it. Its all up to you. That is the beauty of words on paper (or electronic paper); it gets your imagination pumping.
For all you know I could be this really obese wing nut with a shrill voice that makes you want to rip your eardrums out with the Q-tips you use to clean them with and shove them down my throat in order to stop the heinous noise that is emanating from my vocal box. That could be your small way of saving the world? Or I can be a 10 year old with an overactive mind playing the part of a bored 22 year old. Or I can be a model. Hah! Who knows? But who cares? All you need to think of is the words on the paper and judge them however you see fit. There is no physical person standing in front of you to judge. No no. There is only you and the screen. You've met someone else the virtual way and there is no need to worry about anything else except the shit I say.
Now THAT my friend is a great way to make a first impression.
posted by Jen @ 11:19 PM
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